Grief and Happiness

First, the happiness because although its great I'm pretty wrapped up in the grief right now. I got my home study draft in the mail today!! I will get it to the adoption agency Monday so they can review it to ensure it is compliant with Hague regulations. Then hopefully get the final report soon! Then the I800!! I'm so excited to be moving forward again in the adoption journey. Though as soon as it gets going it will stop again. It truly is a hurry up and wait process.

Now, for the grief. It truly hit yesterday about Summer leaving. Partly because I was seeing the 18th as the end and trying to look at her weekend visits with her family as a break for me. The SW asked if I wanted her for Easter and I said the family could have her but I would ask to get her back in time to have an early dinner with my family on Easter. That was on Tuesday. Then yesterday the SW called and told me the family is going to get Summer on Good Friday and since they are out for spring break, they will be keeping her until Wed. We have a CFT and Summer has a visit with her mom on Wed. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Not only was I not going to see her on Easter but I felt like I was being robbed of my final days with Summer. The SW didn't know if the family would get Summer back that following weekend or just wait until court on the following Wed. to take her permanently.

I am so glad Summer is having this time to get to know her family and for both of us to transition away from one another. And the family has certainly been robbed of more time than I have. But it truly occurred to me that as of the 18th, she will cease to exist for me. This child that I have cared for since she was 2 days old. I have seen her every day since she was 2 days old. For over 3 months now, she has been a part of my daily life. And not a small part but a large part. I feel so empty and hurt so much. She is gone for the night but it already feels like it will be forever. It feels so weird here without her. I can't even enjoy being free of a baby for the first time in over 3 months b/c I miss her so badly. I ran an errand today after she left. It felt wrong driving around without her. I came home and it felt empty in the house. There was no baby to get out of the car. No bottles to wash. No diapers to change. And none of this felt good. I want to do those things. I love being a mom.

I sat on my bed to write in my journal like old times (pre-Summer days). I suddenly remembered there's a TV in my room. I haven't used that room for anything other than sleeping in so long and certainly not the TV.  I had to actually fish the remote out from the bottom and back of the drawer. I don't want that life again. That life is empty and has no Summer. I want my baby. I laid on the bed (crying, of course. I'm a big cry baby). In a short time I will no longer lie on the bed to snuggle with her, looking into her deep brown eyes. Her smile lighting up her eyes as she looks at me and snuggles in closer. I won't know what it is like to feel her body. To watch her grow. To hold her in my arms. To kiss her forehead. 

I am happy for Summer and fully support this placement. But this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I miss my baby. I want my Summer. So, I'll drink and cry the night away and praise God for the time I've had. For the lessons in nurturing, bonding, attaching, and grieving. And I will grieve b/c its the right thing to do. Its the way to move on. And she has been worth every tear I shed. I don't think I can ever forget Summer. I pray I don't. And I pray I never forget how much I love her and how much it hurt to let her go.

Bless the Lord, O my Soul, O my Soul
Worship his holy name
Matt Redman-10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)