This weekend has been filled with bits of a heavy heart and saddness. I know my time with Summer is drawing shorter and shorter. I am so sadden by this. I love her so much and would love to see her grow up. I was in the pharmacy the other day and there was a little boy about 2yo with a head full of beautiful hair like Summer's. All I could think about was that I would not get to see what she looks like as a toddler, preschooler, etc. I am glad she is going to be with her family and I am grateful that I have had this time with her. But it is very hard. Summer likes to be sung to and a song that always reminded me of her b/c of the name (I tell her she's my Summer Sunshine)is "You are my Sunshine." Last night I was singing this to her and one of the verses says "the other night, dear, while I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and I cried." I couldn't sing it last night without crying and I am sitting here crying now. One day soon she will not be in my arms and I will never get to hold her again. Not only am I sad for me but I am sad for her. I can't stop thinking about what she will think. Will she think I abandoned her? That I didn't want her? I know she knows me and loves me. I know she recognizes me as momma and different from other people. I know she is glad to see me and hear my voice. Will she wonder where I have gone and why? Part of me wishes it would just happen already so I can go ahead and move one. The other part of course is grateful that I had more time with her. But its gonna be hard for both of us whenever the time comes.
Grieving for Summer makes me want to see my Brigita soon. I am anxious to meet her, spend time with her, and bring her home. I guess the high of seeing her on the video has crashed and I'm back in the surreal world of how far away she is, how much money separates us, the many months we have until I can travel, and the slowness of this part of the adoption process. I'm still waiting for my homestudy to be completed. But getting my blog button and seeing Brigita's beautiful smile helps with that some.
Also on my mind are some personal issues with loved ones. I initially wrote more about this but decided it felt too personal. I'll just say that my thoughts are consumed with this issue and my heart aches. I have seen where other adoptive families have had similar issues. I hope this is all it is, but it still saddens me.
I saw a quote on someone's blog today that resonated with me. It went something like this...
"From the outside looking in, you will never understand. From the inside looking out, you can never explain."